The pain I felt was something I’ve never felt before

I become angry at this point and I felt that because I’m only 16 weeks and 3 days nobody really took it
seriously. 
The pain I felt was something I’ve never felt before, I’m going to lose my baby, my baby I’ve longed for that I’m
supposed to keep safe from any harm, and I couldn’t even do that!

Read on for more of this anonymous account of baby loss

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It’s the beginning of June 2018, the worst month of my life so far. I had been counting down the days until I
turned 16 weeks as you probably know you can find out the gender of the baby by then. We were so excited we
had booked a private gender scan as we just couldn’t wait. All my concern was is that we needed to hurry up
otherwise we would miss our appointment! So, rushing in as quick as we could we made it! I was so relieved when she said we made it in time and still could have our appointment. It was us next so excitedly we entered
the room and got comfy. I sat on the chair with a big tv in front of me ready to see our little baby. As the
sonographer begins the scan there was a silence, you could hear a pin drop at this point. I could see from the
sonographers face that there was something wrong.

Right, she said we can’t see any amniotic fluid around the baby you need to get yourself to the hospital but
there is a heartbeat, I literally froze at this point. “Have you felt any dampness or leaking?” she asked? No, I
replied, nothing. I hadn’t heard about this before and didn’t really know what it meant but I knew it wasn’t
good news when she gave me a list of hospitals to ring ASAP! I couldn’t get out of the place quick enough I
remember thinking (hold yourself together) I walked through the reception area where other families were sat
excitedly to find out the gender of their baby, my ears were ringing and soon as I got to the car park I burst
into uncontrollable tears, even though at this point I didn’t know what was going on I just knew no fluid wasn’t
good news especially only being 16 weeks! 

I become angry at this point and I felt that because I’m only 16 weeks and 3 days nobody really took it
seriously. The pain I felt was something I’ve never felt before, I’m going to lose my baby, my baby I’ve longed for that I’m supposed to keep safe from any harm, and I couldn’t even do that!

Monday came, I woke at 7am waiting for 9am to come so I could ring my antenatal and try and get an
appointment. Finally, they said we have booked you an appointment for 11.20, I was so happy at this point I
drank my bottles of water ready for my scan, I was so nervous to the point I wanted to be sick I did think to
myself I think it’s going to be fine they will find fluid, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. The sonographer
was brilliant I explained everything to him and he said “ok, let take a look.” Another silent room again, I
remember looking at the ceiling anywhere but the screen I couldn’t bring myself to look. “Is there any fluid?” I
asked. “I’m not seeing any fluid around baby at this point” he said that it’s really difficult to see anything
without there being fluid. I sat in the waiting area after my scan so I could get my report and the sonographer
called us back in. A little bit of me thought ohh he’s missed something. He had another lady in the room to
confirm other things. A heartbeat was there, measuring to the exact weeks I was which was good he said,
stomach was poorly filled and kidneys appear to be there from what he could make out from the scan but it
was very unclear with the lack of fluid.

Sat in antenatal had to be one of the worst things I ever had to do surrounded by expectant mother, some
moaning about being fed up. I felt angry I thought you have the cheek to moan you have a healthy baby who
will live, while I’m sitting here not knowing how long mine will survive. Having the time to think this through I
thought there should be a room available where parents who have had bad news or going to get bad news can
be alone away from other mothers. It just wasn’t fair at all. 
The doctor called us into the room he went on to explain the scan report in which no pools of amniotic fluid
could be found, didn’t tell us anything other than we already know!
He wasn’t a specialist in that area and would refer me to the fetal medicine where they will do further scans to
check if they had missed any fluid and they will go from there with me.
We went home still none the wiser, with no support from any care providers.

After 48 hours I received a call from the fetal medicine department and was told that my appointment wasn’t
for another 2 weeks! I burst into tears. How can I wait 2 weeks I just desperately need to know what’s going
on, but the NHS is busy as we know and there was nothing I could but wait…
The day finally came for my fetal medicine appointment, after 2 weeks of thinking the diagnosis would be
Pprom which stands for preterm premature rupture of membranes, and basically that my waters had gone. So,
I spent the past 2 weeks trying to drink litres upon litres of water trying to get my fluid levels up, to soon find
out that wasn’t the case. She looked at me and said I’m so sorry the baby doesn’t have any kidneys, I’m not
seeing a bladder either. There is no fluid at all around the baby. She turned the screen around and the screen
was all a blur you couldn’t really make anything out without any fluid around the baby

I sat outside the room just trying not to cry in front of all these people in the waiting area, after around 3
minutes the sonographer came to give my report to take to the consultant and then I just burst into tears I’ve
been holding back these tears the past couple of weeks and they came flooding in, the realisation had finally
hit me! The lady was so lovely and took me into a separate room. The relief I felt that there was a separate
room where I could let it all out and compose myself. There should be a family room in every hospital for
parents who’s just had bad news.

We were then sent to the fetal medicine unit where we would meet the consultant to give us the diagnosis.
After an hour or two, we were called in to meet with the Dr who sat us down and explained that the baby had
Bilateral Renal Agenesis, also known as ‘potter’s syndrome’. Where the baby hasn’t formed any kidneys or a
bladder which means the baby is incompatible with life. Those words will haunt me forever. I knew something
was wrong maybe the baby would be ill or have a disability which is something I could deal with but being told
your baby is going to die is a bitter pill to swallow.

He gave me the options. I could have a pill which will stop my hormones and in 42 hours I will return to the
hospital where they will induce my labour, or I could carry on with the pregnancy but the baby may not be
born alive or if is born alive it would be a matter of a couple of minutes. He didn’t rush my decision, he said
take as much time as I need to decide but after I think 22 weeks, they would have to inject through my
stomach to the baby to stop the heart. I was already 18 weeks and that broke me, it all just hit me. I made the
decision that I just couldn’t go on with knowing my baby isn’t going to make it in any decision I made. The
Doctor was very considerate and he said no problem we will put that in place for you soon as possible.

That day was an absolute blur we left the hospital and I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, as soon as
we got home, I locked the front door and closed our blinds and slept the day away I just didn’t want to face the
world. We had one last weekend before the induction would start the following Monday.